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The Six Steps to C * H * A * N * G * E
"Who are you?" said the Caterpillar. Alice replied rather shyly, "I . . I hardly knew sir, just at present. . .at least I knew who I was when I got up this morning, but I must have changed several times since then." - Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
C-Challenge the Killer D's: Debunk Dysfunction and Ditch the D Detector
The Killer Ds-disease, deficits, disorders, dysfunction, disabilities-seem to dominate all discussion in mental health. In recent years there has been a deluge of diagnoses. (Click here for a critique of psychiatric diagnosis.) New ones appear almost daily. However impressive they might sound, please do not think that naming a problem or explaining it with a diagnosis has anything to do with solving it. Unfortunately, describing the struggles of living in this way gives people the message that there is something wrong with them. This mindset is the first freeway to failure in trying to make personal changes. Whether simply saying that you are dysfunctional or receiving a formal diagnosis, once set in motion, it creates an expectancy of hard going and, if left unchecked, becomes a forgone conclusion. The Killer Ds erode your ability to confirm and affirm your strengths and natural capabilities to help yourself. They are a product of the D industry with all its self serving interests. Discard this way of looking at yourself-ditch the D Detector-and discover what's right with you! Replace the Killer Ds with the Kinder Ds: not disease, dysfunction, or disorder, but rather distress, discomfort, or dilemma-think of problems, not pathology.
H-Honor Your Heroic Self: Validate Your Struggles and Your Strengths
Frankly, I have never seen anyone make a change based on blaming and berating him or herself for a problem or troubling situation. I guess it's possible, but I have never heard anyone say to me, "Barry, I am having these problems because I am a worthless human being with the worst of intentions and consequently I am now going to make meaningful changes in my life." Self blame and self loathing are just not precursors of action for most people. The entrance ramp to the second highway to hell is invalidation. Sure you have your part in the problem, but there are a lot of factors that have contributed to the situation, and maybe, just maybe, you were doing the best you could under those strenuous and tumultuous circumstances. Validating your struggles, or understanding your troubling situation as the confluence of many factors, legitimizes your actions and feelings (without absolving you of responsibility for change) and is the first step toward meaningful growth. You have to give yourself a break. I am also hard pressed to remember anyone changing by putting their faults under a magnifying glass. Sure, we all have weaknesses and recognizing one's shortcomings allows a person to work on them and improve-but a little of that goes a long way! The story about what is wrong with us is greatly over told and oversold. It is simply not what it is cracked up to be in terms of helping you take important steps to change your life. Making permanent changes in your life requires an appreciation of your strengths, the more heroic aspects of who you are. Consequential growth is achieved by marshalling your inherent resources against the obstacles before you.
A-Add a Helper: Recruit a Change Partner
Relationships are the essence of humanity. We are social creatures who thrive in connection with others. A supportive and caring relationship sustains us in tough times and encourages us to bring out our best. Life is just plain easier when we have help. So is change. While it is possible to be the "Lone Changer," it is a lot easier to have a faithful companion in our ride into the sunset of transformation.
N-Never Underestimate Your Own Ideas: Value Your View of Change
The resonance of your ideas with any change plan you select is critically important. The major reason for unsuccessful therapy, regardless of the severity of the problem or how long it had been around, is because the client's own ideas are ignored. So the third pathway to impossibility is paved by neglecting your motivations, perceptions, and ideas. When you ignore or dismiss your ideas about change, the plan may not inspire the necessary hope to encourage action.
G-Give Yourself a Chance: Do Something-Implement a Plan
Using your view of change as a guide, several different avenues exist for designing and implementing a plan of attack. What’s Right With You suggests several ways for you to find a fit with your ideas. It also presents two very different problem solving models and this website provides more directions to consider as well as other places to find information. The common thread which unites the wide range of possible ideas is the formulation of a strategy that competes in some way with your current experience of your concern—any plan encourages a live experiment, a competition, with your usual way of being or acting. This is very important because when we do something different—anything different—it encourages not only altered responses in ourselves and others, but also sets the stage for new understandings. As long as the plan makes sense to you and enlists your natural strengths, it will likely get you to a better place. Any approach to address your problem is like a magnifying glass on sunny day—it brings together, focuses, and concentrates your strengths, resources, and ideas, narrows them to a point in space and time, and causes them to ignite into action In any given situation, there are many possibilities that could result in problem improvement. Please always know that there is something else you can do about your situation! The fourth road to ruin is traveled by giving up on yourself and doing nothing. Implementing one idea, even though it may not help your immediate concern, may lead to a solution that will. Change can be a scary place to go, an undiscovered country that holds its own risks and pitfalls. As Hamlet says, though, we cannot let this undiscovered country "make us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that we know not of."E-Empower Yourself: Monitor, Adjust, and Celebrate
You are the engine of change. If you are going to arrive at your destination, you have to know if the engine is on the right track, or you may experience the old "you can't get there from here." If you are on the right track, you need to keep the engine fueled: take responsibility for the change, identify your successful strategies, envision the future, celebrate the new you without the problem, and perhaps give something back to others. If you are not on the right track-the change you desire is not happening-then it is time to consider switching tracks. The Progress Rating Scale (Click here to see your current score.) helps you monitor and make sense of your change plan. The failure of a plan says nothing about you or the plan. All approaches or ideas are helpful some of the time with some people. The lack of benefit of a particular plan says nothing about the likelihood of success of your next plan. A lack of change only says that it's time to do some soul searching about your chosen strategy. Don't get stuck in traffic in the fifth thoroughfare to trouble-continuing to do the same thing despite evidence that the solution is not working.