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A SMORGASBORD OF IDEAS
Nothing is as dangerous as an idea when it is the only one you have. Emile Chartier
There are many possibilities for change out there-many versions of "the truth;" all provide a structure for focusing your efforts to do something different about your circumstance. Think of your choices as the offerings at a smorgasbord restaurant. Feel free to taste any and all that look or smell tempting, knowing that you can always go back to the table and make another selection if your choice doesn't turn out to please your palate like you thought it might. There are many different dishes to try. Some you will like and some you won't. I have selected those that you are less likely to run across elsewhere to encourage you to think outside the box.
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Tapping Your Internal Wisdom: Advice from an Elder
Purpose: This task can be useful for any situation in which you are seeking guidance.
Source: Unknown
Description: Find a quiet comfortable place and relax as much as possible, away from the hassles of everyday life. Embellish this story in any and all ways possible-employ all the senses to construct the most sensually compelling images that fit your ideas of a relaxing, beautiful, serene setting. Imagine you are riding in your car with the windows down on a warm clear blue day, feeling the sun on your arm, smelling the freshness of the air, and appreciating the sounds of the rhythmic bump of the wheels on the road as you go further and further away from the city, until you decide to park and follow a path that beckons you to hike into the forest. You feel the crunch of twigs and leaves under your feet as you take in the smell of the pines and songs of the birds as you walk through the sunlight dancing upon you through the tree limbs high above. You continue until you see a clearing; a meadow of wild flowers, an explosion of purples and yellows and a rush of sweet fragrance that compels you to close your eyes and take a deep satisfying breath. When you open your eyes, you see the figure of a person across the meadow but you feel no fear and begin walking closer until you can see that the person is a (man or woman), an elderly person who you feel an instant familiarity with-like you have know him or her your entire life. As you walk closer and closer, you feel more and more taken with the warmth and wisdom you find in the lines of his or her face. He or she welcomes you and you sit together and share a cool drink while swapping stories and observations about life. Finally, encouraged by the connection you feel to this kindly sage, you tell him or her that you have something on your mind, that you want to ask a question. He or she nods and smiles and you ask the question. As he or she speaks, you allow the words to wash over you, feeling their truth cover every part of you like sliding into a comfortably warm bath. After a while of silence and contemplation, you notice that the sun is low on the horizon and that you must leave. You thank the wise old man/woman, and start across the colorful meadow. As you are just about to enter the forest, you turn and the old man/woman waves, and you notice that you have not felt quite so resolved or in some time. You continue through the forest back to your car and drive back to the city, full of peace, enjoying, the rhythmic sound of road, and knowing you are ready again to face life and do what needs to be done.. Three parts to this exercise: 1. Create a sensually compelling, serene surrounding to meet your elder self in the place you feel most comfortable; 2. Create the image of the wisest, kindest elder person you can imagine; and 3. Ask your most burning question and pay attention to your inner wisdom's response.
The Odd Even Day Ritual
Purpose: Useful for parents whose disagreement about a course of action may be preventing a resolution of a child problem. Combine with tasks to find exceptions (Chapter Six). This technique is also useful in making a tough decision.
Source: Selvini-Palazzoli (1988). The work of Mara Selvini-Palazzoli. Aronson; Rock & Duncan (1998). "Let's face it-Men are @$$# percent\¢$." HCI.
Description: For a child problem, the odd even day ritual suggests that one parent handle the problem in any way he or she sees fit on odd days (day 1, 3, etc.) without interference from the other; and on even days (days 2, 4, etc.) the other parent pursues the course he or she deems best. The child is asked to note any infractions and all observe the problem and note when it is better. Reduces conflict over the "right" way to do things and allows different realizations and directions. Creates a team atmosphere to combat problems.
Regarding decisions, the odd even day ritual allows you to compare the emotional consequences of both sides of a decision before you actually make it. This can be particularly helpful if your rational decision making has reached an impasse, or the pros and cons of both (or many) sides seem pretty equal. On odd days you live your life as though you have made the decision in one way. On even days, you go through your daily activities like you have chosen another path. The idea is to fully emotionally experience your decision by carrying out the behavioral routine that it implies. What feelings do each scenario bring up? Compare you daily levels of energy, satisfaction, and self-esteem. Paying attention to the emotional consequences of a decision a head of time can save you from making a big mistake.
The Rate and Predict Exercise
Purpose: For any personal problem, depression, self esteem, etc. Encourages the noting of exceptions (see Chapter Six) as well as the connection between what you do-how you live your life-and the problem.
Source: de Shazer et al. (1986). Four useful interventions. Family Process
Description: Before going to bed, predict your rate of (depression, anxiety, self-esteem, etc.) on a scale of 1-10 (1 is very bad, 10 is very good) for the following day. The next night and thereafter, record your actual rate for the day and then compare your actual versus predicted rate. Note any differences and consider what the differences are about. Provides the opportunity for insightful connections and promotes helpful actions to address the problem at hand. An example of this technique can be seen in the Epilogue.
The Write, Read, and Burn Ritual
Purpose: To deal with bad experiences, lost relationships, past traumas, affairs, abuse, etc. Can be useful for any situation that you would like to see put to rest in your mind. Helps turn down the volume of troubling feelings.
Source: Adapted from de Shazer (1985). Keys to solution in brief therapy. Norton
Description: The first step involves recording in extreme detail the events and situations that are troubling you, including your emotional experience of it-the pain, suffering, and anger. This may take several attempts until you have really captured the experiences in a way that truly does justice to the way you feel. This is a tough process, so it is wise to include your change partner or a friend for support. Once you have written a nuanced account of the circumstances that continue to haunt you, read what you have written out loud to your change partner, friend, or to others who might benefit from knowing. For example, if you are completing this exercise to help you work though an affair, you may read it to the person who had the affair. This, however, is not a requirement. The final step is to find a safe place (fireplace, old metal waste basket, etc) and burn what you have written. As you watch it burn, pay keen attention to the flame and its total consumption of the paper, turning the events and experiences to ashes to be discarded in any way you see fit. It won't "cure" anything but it does help put some closure on the pain or situation.
Advertise Instead of Conceal
Purpose: For a wide range of problems whose common denominator is embarrassment or a feeling of social inhibition-usually evolving from some perceived imperfection or belief that you don't quite measure up for one reason or other. Tends to take the heat off and promote different experiences that challenge the problem's dominance in your life.
Source: Adapted from Watzlawick et al. (1974). Change. Norton
Description: This technique simply requires you to embrace the very problem that you strive most to conceal, and openly advertise it to others. The idea is that the more you attempt to conceal the perceived imperfection, the more exaggerated it becomes. The person who is afraid of public speaking might openly announce his or her anxieties and try to mimic the nervousness (trembling hands, cracking voice, etc); the individual inhibited by stuttering might bring it up before it happens and intentionally stutter; the person who goes way out of the way to be perfect or hide mistakes might make intentional mistakes and announce them to the world. The individual worried about appearance might intentionally mismatch socks or lipstick. Advertising instead of concealing tends to teach us that life goes on and that we pay a heck of lot more attention to our faults and frailties than others do. There is something about advertising our foibles that changes our beliefs about them.
The Ordeal Technique
Purpose: For any problem that seems resistant to change. Encourages you to act rather than think about the problem. Must really want to get over the problem to try this!
Source: Haley (1984). Ordeal therapy. Jossey-Bass.
Description: This approach entails attaching a negative or distasteful, but productive consequence to a problem and only to the problem. The idea here is to impose an ordeal more severe than the problem itself-it must cause distress at least equal to, but preferably greater than that caused by the concern. A common ordeal: in the evening following the occurrence of the problem, set the alarm for 2:00 AM and get up and mop and wax the kitchen floor; or go for a long walk. The ordeal must be beneficial but extremely difficult. Sounds nuts but it sometimes encourages people to address the problem in ways they hadn't before. Chapter Five provides an example of this technique.
The Pretend Identity Technique
Purpose: For any situation in which you feel as if you do not have the wherewithal to face a challenging or intimidating situation (first date, big meeting, etc.). Encourages new experiences of competence and mastery.
Source: Coale (1992). Costume and pretend identities. Journal of Strategic and Systemic Therapies.
Description: Select a person, living or dead, that you believe could handle the situation that you need to face. Imagine yourself playing the role of that person and create a detailed idea of what his or her performance at the upcoming event might look like. Pay attention to how it feels to play the role, and how things go. A variation is the magic sword technique. Many people believe that others have something they don't to face tough situations, a magic sword of sorts to slay the dragons of fear and anxiety. This technique simply suggests that you find a magic sword at the toy store and take it along with you in your purse or briefcase as you face the situation with which you are uncomfortable-no one knows of your special sword but you. Both of these techniques "arm" you with the little extra that can get you over the hump in tough situations, building confidence in your ability for the next encounter. Chapter Four provides an example.
Externalizing the Problem
Purpose: For depression or any problem in which the problem seems to dominate everything in your life. This technique separates you from the problem to eliminate recrimination, blame, and judgment. Or in other words, you are not the problem, the problem is the problem.
Source: White and Epston (1990). Narrative Means to Therapeutic Ends. Norton.
Description: First, personify the problem. Attribute oppressive intentions and tactics to it. Refer to the problem by name, "the depression," or "crappy attitude," or the "fear monster." Talk of the problem as if it was a person, a very bad person. Make the problem an alive, dastardly villain.
How long has the problem been lying to you?
How long has the problem been hanging out with you?
When Mr. Problem whispers in your ear, do you always listen?
How does the Problem bully you around?
Next, build a case against the problem. Investigate how the problem has been disrupting, dominating, discouraging, and ruining your life. Discuss the hurtful feelings that have resulted from his influence, tactics it has used to discourage, and unhelpful habits the problem has invited.
What kinds of tricks does the Problem use to alienate you from those you love?
What kind of lies has the Problem been telling you about your self-worth?
How has the Problem deceived you into behaviors you now regret?
Then, search the past for the real you. Look to your past to facilitate a rewrite-a new story that proves you have not been oppressed by the problem all the time or completely. Find times when you haven't been dominated or influenced by the problem. This is a similar process to eliciting exceptions, but with a twist.
What's the longest time you stood up to the Problem?
When was the last time you didn't listen to the Problem's lies?
What is it about you that you were able to go on strike against the Problem?
How do you explain that you are the kind of person that would lodge a complaint against the Problem?
As you remember stories of standing up to the Problem, you are rewriting you identity. Gather details to tell a different story and accumulate more evidence for this new identity.
What can others tell you about your past that would help you understand how you are now able to take these steps to stand up to the Problem so well?
Who knew you as a child who wouldn't be surprised that you've been able to reject the Problem as the dominant force in your life?
Now that a new story has been written, it is time to look toward the future and envision how the real you will act from now on.
As you continue to stand up to the problem, what will be different than the future the Problem had planned for you?
As you continue to disbelieve the lies the Problem tells you, how do you think that will affect your relationships?
What do other people think your stance against the Problem has shown you?
Who needs to know that you've made a commitment to keep Mr. Problem from hanging around?
Who would benefit from knowing about your overthrow of the problem government?
Constructive Payback
Purpose: Discharges anger in a harmless and constructive way and creates the conditions for different insights or directions to emerge. Useful for adolescents or others who persist in grossly inconsiderate behavior despite multiple requests for change. Is also fun and tends to loosen things up.
Source: Fisch, Weakland, & Segal (1982). Tactics of Change. Jossey Bass; Duncan & Rock (2005). The Lone Changer. www.whatsrightwithyou.com.
Description: The idea here is to attach a negative but absolutely harmless consequence to the chronically irritating behavior of another person. This could include acts of incompetence, lateness, forgetfulness, or anything else that makes the person pay in ways that you don't have to take ownership for. When confronted about the instance of payback, your response must be apologetic, passive, and self-deprecating (e.g., I am so sorry, I must be losing my mind) and not angry or sarcastic. This technique is a confusion strategy that often results in the other person focusing more on the effects of his or behavior on you and less on his or her selfish concerns. When done without vindictiveness, can also be quite entertaining thereby changing the "feeling tone" of the problem and allow more creative solutions. Chapter Four provided an example.