My Favorite Therapists' Favorites: Dr. Jacqueline Sparks

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Purpose: Shifts attention in family or couple from hostility and blame to good will and effort. Helps to give hope for the future.

Source: Haley (1990). Strategies of psychotherapy. Triangle.

Description: Have a conversation with the person you are most having difficulty with in a close relationship. Ask the person what he or she would like to see you do differently that would help the relationship improve. Let the person know what you would like him or her to do differently. Next, agree that, over the following week, each will do the specific thing identified by the other as being helpful (minimum 2 times during the week). However, each person should not advertise when they are doing the special thing, and the other person should not ask (or guess out loud) when it is being done. In fact, do not discuss the exercise at all during the week. However, each person will privately try to look for and guess when the other person is doing the requested acts. These guesses can be written down, with specifics about what was noticed and when it occurred. Finally, at the end of the week, get back together and share with each other what you noticed, and your guesses about when the other person was attempting the requested behavior. Some guesses may be accurate, and others may just be spontaneous noticing of the other's attempts to help things go better. Spend some time talking about the difference it makes when each is attempting to meet the other's wishes as well as what it says about his or her commitment to the relationship. Talk about how the week went overall. Discuss doing the exercise another week, or simply doing more of those things that made the most difference.

Letter from the Future

Purpose: Loosens the hold of a traumatic past event over a person's present life. Helps to envision and create a better future.

Source: Dolan (1985). A path with a heart. Brunner Mazel.

Description: Imagine a time in the future when you are living a satisfying life. The problem you are dealing with right now is solved. Pick a date in the future when this is happening. Write a letter (to a real person) from that point in time and that point in your life. Tell them how things are going. Tell them about your daily life, your relationships, your dreams. Tell them how it was that you got to this place. Whatever you think is important to put in the letter, put it in. When you are done, keep it in a special place so you can take it out from time to time. It is the portrait of you, even if it isn't perfect. It is also a map to a future not clouded by the oppression of the past.

Miracle Question

Purpose: Identifies small, concrete changes, not necessarily directly related to the main problem that can assist in resolving the main problem. Creates the possibility of problem resolution by imagining a future when the problem is gone.

Source: de Shazer (1985). Keys to solutions in brief therapy Norton.

Description: First, sit comfortably in a quiet place where you are not likely to be distracted. Start by carefully and thoughtfully imagining the following:

Imagine that (now here you have to suspend your disbelief-just for the moment, forget your reservations about what can and can't happen and go into pure imagination) . . . imagine that, after you have gone to bed tonight . . . you are in your bed and sound asleep . . . and while you are sleeping . . . a very miraculous and strange thing happens. While you are asleep, a miracle happens! And here is the miracle: The problem that is most distressing you, right now in your life . . . IS GONE!! But here's the thing. YOU DON'T KNOW THIS HAS HAPPENED-(because you're sound asleep, remember). In the morning, when you wake up, just as usual, you haven't got a clue that this miracle happened over night while you were sleeping. However, it doesn't take long before you notice that SOMETHING SEEMS DIFFERENT! "What could have happened while I was sleeping?" Now, think hard, you're just in bed and just getting up, WHAT IS THE FIRST SMALL THING YOU NOTICE THAT TELLS YOU THIS DAY IS DIFFERENT-THINGS ARE NOT THE SAME?

Keep in mind, we're not talking winning the lottery here, but the first small thing that would be the first sign alerting you to the fact that a miracle occurred overnight while you slept. This is the basic miracle question exercise. When you have identified what you will first notice that is different after the miracle has happened, ask yourself what the next sign will be, and the next. Ask yourself if others in your immediate family or social circle will notice something different. If so, what will they notice? What might they notice different about you? What might you notice (we're talking small here) different about yourself? What will they be doing differently? Keep on with these kinds of question until you've pretty much gone through your post-miracle day. Then, it is not a difficult step to either 1) see if anything of these post-miracle day things might already be happening in your life that you can 2) amplify or expand to happen more frequently, or 3) purposefully build some of the small miracle differences into your life. The small everyday events you tease out of this exercise can change a life.

Changing Places

Purpose: Creates an opportunity for people stuck in predictable routines to experiment with less familiar behaviors. In so doing, they can break out of repetitive patterns that promote problems. Because it is an experiment, people do not have to give up old patterns, just try on new ones. This makes change more comfortable and more under the control of all involved.

Source: Haley (1990). Strategies of psychotherapy. Triangle.

Example: It is not uncommon for people in close relationships to play one role, while the other in the relationship plays a complimentary, or opposite role. For example, in partner relationships, one person may be more the organizer, while the other waits to be told what needs to be done. In a parenting relationship, one parent might have all the fun with the child, while the other consistently plays "the heavy," meting out chores and discipline. Sometimes one person can be the optimist, while the other is the constant skeptic, or pessimist. These contrasting roles often work just fine. However, sometimes they become rigid, and can be part of chronic relationship problems. If you are experiencing a problem in a relationship-spouse, partner, parenting, child, etc.-see if you recognize this type of predictable role patterning. If so, there's a relatively painless way to loosen patterns up and, at the same time, loosen up problems. First, sit down with the person you believe predictably responds in a way that contrasts with your own when dealing with a specific problem. After discussing this pattern, decide together to each take a vacation from the usual and to experiment with a less familiar response to the problem. One way to do this is, for even days of the week, every one does their usual; on odd days, each plays the role of the other, at least as far as the problem is concerned. For example, if you are always "grounding" your daughter, but the other parent is always taking her out for ice-cream, you swap your tough role with the other parent's fun role every other day. This gives each of you a chance to expand your skills as parents, and gives your daughter a chance to know another side her parents, enriching these relationships. You can do this for one or two weeks, then get back together to discuss the experiment. What was it like playing the other role? How did it affect your daughter? How did affect your relationship with each other? What parts of this experiment worked, and what parts would you like to build into your everyday lives? The same strategy can be applied to other kinds of relational problems. It gives each person a chance to develop a different side of themselves, sometimes in but one or two weeks of serious experimentation with "the other side."

Invariant Prescription

Purpose: For parents who have tried everything and are as predictable to their children as the sun coming up in the morning. Provides a dramatic opportunity for parents dealing with a tough problem with an adolescent to reverse typical parental attempts to correct behavior.

Source: Selvini-Palazzoli (1988). The work of Mara Selvini-Palazzoli. Aronson.

Description: Parents join together in a pact of secrecy involving their disappearance from the home for several hours (to be used only for older teens). They keep their whereabouts and the purpose of their outings a secret, shifting them out of their usual roles of monitoring the adolescent's behavior. This task requires parents to be out of the home without a clear explanation of their whereabouts. All the problem teen finds is a note saying the parents will be away for 2 hours (for example). You must absolutely not tell the teen about the "pact" nor about where you go (strictly the parents' business), nor should you discuss or entertain interrogation about the little absence. If badgered, you might simply change the subject or give a nonsensical answer (We went to the moon). After faithfully following the pact for at least 2 weeks and 5 "disappearances," something should start to happen. The troubled teen will want to know what is going on and want to talk more. Continue to be mysterious and watch your parental authority return and an improved relationship result. This technique reconnects parents in a coalition that helps clarify and strengthen the family. It reestablishes proper parental authority without demanding it. Chapter Seven provides an example.