Watch Barry's Interview on
NBC 6
South Florida Today
 |
|
PURCHASE |
My Favorite Therapists' Favorites: Dr. Joseph Rock
The Dangers of Change
Purpose: This can be used with virtually any problem in which there is ambivalence about change, but is it is especially useful for situations in which change has been tried and found difficult to achieve. There are always drawbacks to change. An old joke tells of a man who thought he was a chicken. His sister, with whom he lived, got him some good therapeutic help, and his beliefs changed. When the therapists asked her how her brother was doing, she replied, "Great, for the most part." The therapist requested that she elaborate. "Well, there is no nest in the living room, he doesn't scratch at the rug and make clucking noises, and I'm not embarrassed to invite friends over." The therapist wondered, "What did you mean 'for the most part'?" She said, "We miss the eggs." When a person changes, there are always some "eggs"-aspects of the old way of being that are missed
Source: Fisch, Weakland, & Segal (1982). Tactics of Change. Jossey Bass; Duncan & Rock (2005). The Lone Changer. www.whatsrightwithyou.com
Description: This technique entails a concerted effort to acknowledge the dangers that can be associated with improvement thereby exploring your natural ambivalence about changing. The idea is to set time aside, say an hour, and list all the potential downsides of making a change. Pull out all the stops and list anything and everything regardless of how whacky it sounds. There is always something gained from the problem, no matter how bad it hurts or interferes with your life. Addressing the pitfalls to change serves several purposes: One is that it can serve to remove pressure and provide a better perspective on the situation. Sometimes just recognizing that there are some negatives that go along with the change allows us to see that life with the problem may not as bad as we think it is. This awareness may also allow us to relax our efforts to change, which sometimes is the greatest enemy, giving new perspectives and opening up new paths. Finally it may provide some insight into why change has not been forthcoming so that you may address the aspects that may be slowing you down. For example, a young woman was depressed and never left her apartment after work. Considering the advantages of her depression, she realized that it prevented her from being hurt in another relationship-that staying in her apartment protected her from the pain of another breakup. Her realization that the depression was sort of like the lesser of two evils as well as a protective device enabled this young woman to take action to get out of her apartment more.
Slowing the Pace
Purpose: To deal with our self imposed pressure to change. When you are hurting, the tendency is to want to end the pain as quickly as possible, naturally. If you are lonely, you have to meet someone soon. If you hate your job, you have to find another. Feeling this kind of urgency can lead you to act before you've had time to really evaluate all the options. Pressure rarely helps performance.
Source: Fisch, Weakland, & Segal (1982).Tactics of Change. Jossey Bass; Duncan & Rock (2005). The Lone Changer. www.whatsrightwithyou.com
Description: There are two ways to slow the pace of change. One is to stop your change efforts altogether for a while. Giving into a sense of urgency about change gives you the message that the pain you feel (e.g., loneliness, fear) is intolerable. Allowing yourself to sit with your discomfort sends you the message that it is endurable. It also gives you the opportunity to see if the pain decreases or goes away on its own. Knowing discomfort is time-and intensity-limited frees you up to act when you're ready. A second strategy is to deliberately pace yourself. When you rush, you tend to try to do several things at once and have your mind race in many different directions. Focusing on the activity you are doing in the present by talking yourself through it step by step keeps you grounded in the present and focused on things over which you have immediate control or influence. A very simple pacing strategy my clients have found helpful is to focus on slowing down obvious things you do quickly when pressured-walking, talking, thinking, writing. Most importantly, pacing yourself gives you the tacit message that you are in control of yourself and your situation. Sometimes, the rush to get over a problem sabotages our best efforts at change. Go slow.
Scheduling Time to Worry
Purpose: For problems that you drive yourself nuts with worry about. If you have ever tried not to think about something (a trip to the dentist, a deadline at work), you know what a futile endeavor that can be. When confronted with an unpleasant thought process (worry, guilt, obsession with another person), we tend to try to put it out of our minds altogether.
Source: Duncan & Rock (2005). The Lone Changer. www.whatsrightwithyou.com
Description: There is another way to control something that is unwanted or uncomfortable-you can work on deciding when, where, and for how long it occurs. In other words, you can try to contain your discomfort instead of getting rid of it. As it relates to unwelcome thoughts, the strategy involves scheduling time to worry (or grieve or obsess). For example, if a woman is trying to stop thinking so much about a man with whom she just broke up, she can decide to make herself think about him from 7:00-7:30p.m. each night. During that time, she will try to think of nothing else, and she will welcome all painful thoughts, regrets, and sadness. If she begins to think about him outside of that time frame, she will encourage herself to postpone her obsessing until 7:00p.m. (and to reassure herself she will give those thoughts time and attention then). The idea is that a part of us wants to worry, grieve, or obsess, and that part rebels if we refuse to do so. Scheduling time to think those thoughts reassures us that the subject will be given our full attention daily, and reduces the internal "think/don't think conflict.
Strive to be Average
Purpose: For those people who pummel themselves with perfectionism. We don't want to be perfect, we just want to do things the "right" way-whatever that is. Pressure to do our best in every situation can lead to performance anxiety, procrastination, and "completion issues" (where a person can't seem to finish things).
Source: Duncan & Rock (2005). The Lone Changer. www.whatsrightwithyou.com
Description: I often suggest to people who fall into those traps that they try to strive to be average. Since no one knows what "average" is, it is hard to put pressure on oneself. Making no mistakes is clearly above average, so you can't do that. Basically, by trying to be average, you confuse yourself, remove pressure, and allow yourself to go with the flow. There are a number of positive outcomes that can result from using this strategy. One is that performance can actually improve once the pressure to be perfect is gone. A second is that your performance will be average, and you will discover it isn't the end of the world. A third possibility is that things will get done that might not have otherwise. Some people refuse to do things unless they have the time, energy, and resources to do them the right way. Striving to do them in acceptable ways, makes it easier to proceed even if conditions aren't ideal.
Self Control
Purpose: For those situations in which will power is the main strategy. Will power and self-control are often confused. People usually try to exert will power when trying to start a new behavior (exercise) or change a current one (smoking, diet). Using will power to produce change involves making yourself change by exercising the strength of your will ("starting tomorrow, I'm going to the gym every day"). This works for relatively few people. Your life tends to be set up to maintain current behavior patterns, and even if you can change at first, it is very easy to revert to old habits.
Source: Duncan & Rock (2005). The Lone Changer. www.whatsrightwithyou.com
Description: Self control involves altering your environment to make it easier to do things you want to, and harder to do things you don't. For example, if you want to begin exercising more, it might be easier to put on athletic shoes and walk briskly around your neighborhood than to drive to a gym, change clothes, exercise, shower, and drive back home. For other people, going to a separate location makes it easier to exercise because the environment (others doing the same thing) encourages them. Attend to what is easier for you, and do what you can to set up your environment to accommodate yourself. Overeating, smoking, and not exercising are notoriously difficult to change. People start out with a lot of motivation and the best intentions, only to quickly get off track and fall back into their old habits. In addition, aspects of a person's environment can trigger old habits. A cup of coffee can signal the need for a cigarette. A break at work might serve as a cue to visit the candy machine. A soft reclining chair can beckon its owner to take a nap. People like to think they have free will and independently decide what they will do. The reality, however, is that many factors, including physical and emotional needs, and aspects of their surroundings exert some control over people's behavior. Considering dieting: Whatever new diet you choose, do what you can to make it easy to follow. Keep foods you don't want to eat out of the house, particularly ones that take no preparation (potato chips) or can be micro-waved quickly. Stay away from restaurants that have few dishes you can order that follow your diet, or that have foods you love but don't want to eat. Using will power to overcome temptation is a poor strategy compared to removing the temptation. These examples are very simplistic and obvious, but people don't follow the main concept. Make it hard to do what you have decided you don't want, and easy to do what you do. Allowing oneself to eat only in one room of the house, not doing anything else while eating (watch television, read), chewing each bit of food a minimum of ten times, and eating with the non-dominant hand only are but a few possibilities of making over-eating more difficult. Similarly, many people who try to stop smoking have been helped by using techniques to make smoking harder and less pleasant. Those include buying one pack at a time, keeping a record of how much is smoked by marking a card prior to lighting up, only smoking outdoors, changing brands after each pack is finished, or sitting in non-smoking sections in restaurants. All of which make it more difficult to smoke. The bottom line to self control is to organize your life and your environment in a way that allows success to be a possibility, not a fantasy based on will power.
Shifting the Focus
Purpose: The strategy of shifting the focus applies to any persistent unpleasant emotion, worry, and physical pain. An anxious person might think, "I feel a little queasy today. What if I go shopping and get sick in the store in front of everybody?" That thought creates some anxiety, which in turn motivates the person to think more about the potential problem (which hasn't even occurred yet). The next thought might be, "I had better just stay home. But if I keep doing that, I'll never get anything done, my wife will think I'm going crazy, and my whole life will fall apart." More anxiety ensues and the negative cycle continues (negative thought-anxiety-more negative thoughts-greater anxiety, etc.). It is easier to think anxiety-provoking thoughts when you are anxious and to get anxious while thinking anxiety-provoking thoughts. The same concept holds true for depression, anger, and other unpleasant emotions.
Source: Duncan & Rock (2005). The Lone Changer. www.whatsrightwithyou.com
Description: Thinking is instrumental in creating and/or maintaining unpleasant feelings. Yet the tendency is to keep thinking about how to resolve the problem. The focus remains internal (in one's own mind) and future- or past-oriented. People seldom, if ever, think about the present while feeling really bad. They think about the future (what they have to do, what might happen) or the past (mistakes they made, how much better it used to be, something unfair someone else did). The strategy of shifting the focus involves moving one's attention to external reality, and to the present. To better understand this concept, take time out to try a brief experiment. For a few minutes, close your eyes and think about all the things you have to do in the next week, and when you will get them all done. At the end of that time, notice how you feel, then open your eyes and describe in detail to yourself everything you see, hear, feel (sense of touch, not emotion), or smell at that moment. After a couple of minutes, note how you feel emotionally. Most people notice a couple of things about the time they have their eyes closed and are thinking. They tend to be unaware of what's going on around them (they are in their own little worlds), and they feel uncomfortable emotionally. Conversely, when they are describing what their senses are picking up, they are very aware of their surroundings and feel more relaxed and calm. Shifting the focus is based on this kind of experience. Shifting the focus involves three steps. The first is to recognize the problem (anxiety, anger, worry). The second step is interrupting the problem by slow, timed breathing, relaxing one's muscles, or just getting up and moving around a little. This step may seem inconsequential, but it is very important since it is difficult to shift one's attention to something new until the old focus is stopped. In the final step, attention is focused outside of oneself and into the present. There are many ways to do this, but a couple are simple and widely applicable. The first is "sensory focus:" One describes what one's senses (sight, smell, hearing, touch, and even taste) are picking up at the present moment. A second method for accomplishing this shift is "activity focus" in which one describes to oneself in detail everything he or she does moment-by-moment ("I am picking up a plate, scraping all the dirt, running it under hot water, putting it in the drainer, etc."). Both methods achieve a shift of focus from inside one's head to outside (one's immediate surroundings) and from thinking of the past or future to thinking of the present. The shifting of focus strategy works for a number of reasons. By bringing one back to the present, it refocuses attention in a place where one can deal with reality and have an immediate impact on one's surroundings (impossible in the future or past). It also breaks the chain of negative thought-unpleasant emotion-more negative thought described earlier. Anxieties, fears, and worries are often nothing but bridges to the past or future; when we stay in the present and do not cross those bridges, we find that our unpleasant emotions diminish.